“I’m sure everything will go well.” – I’m sure everything will go wrong.
Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed
1. »Good morning! »– I hope none of the awful things I've imagined will happen today.
2. « I'm fine, thanks. » – I'm actually freaking out quite a bit but hoping to hide it.
3. « Work is crazy at the moment. » – I hope I don't end up having a panic attack in the toilets.
4. « I'm just making a plan for the day. » – I'm running through endless variations of the day in my head so I can predict everything that could possibly go wrong.
5. « Sure, I can come for a drink later. » – I know you're just inviting me out of pity.
6. « Can I get you a coffee? » – I once offered you a coffee so now I have to do it until the end of time in case you end up hating me for not doing it.
7. « Good weather we're having at the moment. » – You couldn't think of anything better than weather, brain? *slow hand clap*
8. « The boss wants to have a chat with me. » – This is it. The end is nigh.
9. « I wonder what she wants? » – I must be in trouble.
10. « Hope she's not going to fire me! Ha ha. » – She's definitely going to fire me.
11. « I've just taken on a new project. » – I'm not sure how I'll manage to fit in this extra work but I was worried it would look bad if I said no.
12. « I'm sure everything will go well. » – I'm sure everything will go wrong.
13. « I don't think I'll make it tonight I'm afraid, something's come up. » – Nothing's come up, I just can't face it.
14. « OK, I'll come for one. » – My fear of annoying you is stronger than my general fear of everything.
15. « I think I left the oven on. » – I definitely left the oven on, and my house has burned down, and now I'm homeless.
Becky Barnicoat / BuzzFeed
16. « I'm sorry I'm late. » – I had to go home and check I turned the oven off.
17. « I'm sorry I'm late. » – I actually arrived a while ago, but I've been trying to psych myself up to come in.
18. « I'm sorry I'm late. » – I considered cancelling until the very last minute, then had to rush.
19. « I'm a little bit tired. » – I'm exhausted, because dealing with constant waves of panic is hard work.
20. « I'm a tiny bit stressed. » – I feel like there's a loud scream constantly trapped in my throat, everything is awful, and my stomach's churning.
21. « Exam » – Opportunity to fuck my life up on a grand scale.
22. « Job interview » – Opportunity to fuck my life up on a grand scale, and look like an idiot while I'm doing it.
23. « Date » – Opportunity to ruin any hopes I had of not dying alone.
24. « Public speaking. » – LOL nope.
25. « I can probably go, but can I let you know nearer the time? » – I know my lack of commitment pisses you off, but I have no idea how I'll feel next week.
26. « Don't worry, it's fine. » – It's not fine at all and I'm cross, but I can't face having a confrontation.
27. « Don't worry, it's fine! » – It really is fine, but I'm worried you think I'm cross.
28. « Yeah, things are going pretty well at the moment. » – Everything seems like it's going OK, but one wrong move and I could lose it all.
29. « Withheld number. » – Terrifying nightmare scenario.